Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Purge

I am certain every person reading the title of this post had a different image pop up for them. Some thought of the movie by the same name (not that I have watched it), and other might have thought of someone vomiting. The possibilities are endless.

I, on the other hand, chose said title because it is exactly what I was doing today, and will continue doing tomorrow. It's time to purge everything useless, everything take up space, everything I didn't remember I owned, everything that's in the past and hindering the future.

So, of course, I did not cut my hair or get a makeover. I did not go get a mani/pedi. I did not go for a run; I'm done running (metaphorically). I turned my living space inside out and upside down. Yes! Of course that's what I would do. It's not the first time. 

I emptied my closet and tried on everything I had not worn in a while or recently bought. Everything that I didn't like, didn't fit, or didn't look nice enough had to go. I tried on all my shoes; and if they didn't fit or I'd only worn them one, they went in the to-go pile. Everything must go! I only have space in my life for things that serve a purpose.

Of course, I was upset when I started and that helped drive the momentum; but, then, I was further upset and the wind went out of my sails. I had to stop and think about several things. 

One: Purging is good. Getting rid of all the useless stuff, all the clutter (any type) is important. Last week I cried for just over 14 hours, even while I slept. I have no real idea why I was crying, but I could not stop. I cried through my regular 5k run at the gym. I was upset that I was crying and I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop. I was still crying the next morning and I felt like crap. Then, it stopped; and I felt like crap. Later, I put myself back together and life was looking pretty good again. I am not certain why I started crying, or why I couldn't stop. I certainly needed it. I hate crying; I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I don't know how to handle even my own tears, but I needed it.

Two: I have learned a lot about myself in the last few years. Few people get a practically blank canvas. I didn't forget my life; I just forgot myself. At one point, I even forgot my name. It was a dark and dangerous place to be. I thought I'd never get out. But I did. I did just like I have done many other things that I, or others, thought I couldn't do. I got out and began the process of getting to know this awesome person (no humility necessary) who no one will ever know as well as me. The best part, she can be whoever I wish her to be. I am never going back to that place, because this is my life and only I can determine its worth.

Three: I have learned a lot about life, living and other aspects of being human in a human world the in the last several years. You probably think: "well, we all do." True. However, because of the above stated, I haven't been hampered by preconceptions of myself. Actually, at times, I have - like everyone else. I would remember who I thought I should be and would become frustrated; frustrated is good. I learned that fear leads nowhere, except maybe back into that dark and dangerous place. I learned that pride is only useful when you take pride in your work, when you give something your everything because you are proud to put your name to it. Otherwise, pride and fear only bring ruin. I have learned to take chances, be brave. I had forgotten how to be brave, and then I was reminded of every time before when bravery was all I had and it made me succeed. 

I took the biggest chance of my life recently. I am not sure if chance is the right word, because I felt compelled to jump in. Honestly, I am not sure I ever had a choice. But, I chose to embrace it. Then fear stepped in and wrecked havoc. I don't know what will happen. It has not been easy. It's been crazy. I am still not sure what drives me care at all. I have been upset with myself over it, but I am just accepting that there are things that just are and I don't need to understand. 

Back to the purge. Paragraph above at point, the purge started because I needed to take control of my life. So, all aspects not being equally and I being myself, living space was at risk. I have determined what will change and will work to make it happen. 

The purge is a symptom. Yes, a symptom. Some people thought that some things recently changing in my life were having certain results. Meet someone = be happy. Ridiculous. I was happy, thus I met someone and was happier. Unhappy me doesn't want people around her. Too happy = losing her mind. Seriously? I'd lose my mind if I were unhappy to the point I could not cope. Sad = depressed. Again? Not happening. People seem to jump to extremes in my life. I might just me the most laid back when it comes to viewing my life, and I am certainly my harshest critic. 

The purge is a symptom of change. Things have changed, are changing, will change. It's life; it must happen, or you die. The purge, whatever it may be, is renewal. Think of it as pruning your life so your garden may bloom. 

I wish you a pleasant purge!

Saturday, September 19, 2015

To the Man who touched me with his Words

Thank you for breaking my heart. It's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. 

I won't soon forget you. Be happy. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2015


The unexpected is everywhere. It may be good, or bad, or neither. It may change your life or choices, or both. You might not even notice it when it arrives.

Sometimes it's a thing or event or person. Sometimes you think the unexpected was exactly what you awaited. Sometimes, it is beyond reason.

It may fulfill your every dream, bring new ones into play, or leave you completely dissatisfied. The unexpected brings with it more unexpected.

The unexpected may show you things about yourself that you did not know or had forgotten. It may turn your world upside down, and leave as much destruction in as little time as a tornado.

The unexpected can change everything.

Be thankful for the unexpected. It is never good nor bad. It is simply life, full of surprises. The unexpected may be just what you needed, even though you didn't know it or want it.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Closing doors is harder than hitting the OFF switch

I think everyone remembers being told to turn the lights off when leaving a room. No one truly wants to do it. It feels very final to turn off the lights as you walk away. So, we don't. We find any excuse to leave it on just a little bit longer. 

There are other aspects of life where we feel and/or act in the same manner. We don't want to face the finality of it, so we leave the lights on. The problem with that is, at some point, you have to pay the bill. It doesn't matter whether it is the lights on, or staying at a job you hate, or a bad relationship, at some point you must pay the price of your choices. 

Some of us can't flip that switch, so we walk away and never look back. We do it knowing we won't return and leave it for someone else to carry the burden. 

Some of us walk back and forth tirelessly trying to muster the guts to do it. Flipping the switch can be one of those defining moments when you find yourself at a crossroads you know will change your life forever. You have to be brave to take it on, to decide whether you flip it down bravely, or walk away cowardly. 

But it doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter which you end up choosing, because in the end the only thing that matters is whether you closed the door behind you. That is the hardest part of it all. 

Monday, September 07, 2015

Life doesn't often "just happen"

The fact is we all make choices every second of every day. Sometimes we don't even realize it's a choice.

We wake up, get ready, head off to work (or whatever). We chose a route at some point and never deviate, so we forget we are making a choice. Heck, we started the day by choosing to get out of bed in the first place. That is one powerful choice, and - believe me - not everyone who is physically capable of making it, does or can.

Choices. Game theory says there are always an odd number of possibilities. Thus, you can have "yes", "no", "maybe". It's never so simple. When using "maybe", I would recommend qualifying your response; after all, it could present further possibilities. [Yes, I've used game theory for personal decision making. It was fun, yet frustrating. I enjoyed my diagram.]

Sometimes we think we've made a bad choice, but we did not. Other times the choice we thought best, turns out worst that the one you thought worst. Sometimes you decide without thought, or you just think too much.

Yes, external (other people's) decisions/choices can "just happen" to you. For example, the guy who decided to have Jack Daniel's for breakfast, and then ran the red light as you were making your legal left turn. Your choices brought you to that intersection but his got you hurt.

If it weren't so late, I'd probably go off into the "if a butterfly beats its wings in China..." bit. It did cross my mind. Everything and everyone is interconnected. My decisions affect and influence those of others, and so do yours.

Some choices/decisions you can never take back. Some are unforgettable and others unforgivable.  Regardless, life goes on. You keep waking up and making choices, and one day you realize that you are the product of every choice you or someone nearby made, and you realize you're grateful for where you are or you can choose to be somewhere else.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Lots of Changes

In the last several months, I've taken to running almost daily. Lost 20 pounds, and changed my food choices. 

I've applied and been accepted to an accounting program. I've also decided not to attend said program, and will be applying to another. 

I've taken back my life. With a little assistance, I've remembered parts of myself long buried. 

I'd forgotten how overwhelming living (versus existing) can be. It can consume you, if you're unprepared.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Requiem for a Missed Life

I often avoid this day. If today were Sunday, I would have pretended it doesn't even exist on the calendar. But, it's not.

Almost my whole life ago, it was hard. Now, it is just sad to remember. 

Mostly, I just remember all the things you've missed. All the things we will never share. It is everything

There is a little part of me that will be forever missing because you are not here. Don't fret! I am happy. I haven't always been, and it's been hard. But, I'm okay. I'm a fighter. 

I miss you. I get angry at you sometimes, but mostly I miss you. I get angry because I miss you, so don't take offense.

You have missed all the big events. You will miss many more, I am sure. It's hard to be lighthearted when a part of you is missing, when you want to share something with those who mean the most to you and they are not there. 

I am starting a new chapter in my life. It started months ago, or maybe years ago and I didn't notice. You will miss that too. You've missed so much of our lives, and I don't feel sorry for you. You made your choices. Your choices forever changed our lives, and that breaks my heart year after year you are not here. The happiest moments are a little dimmer because you are not, and will not, be there. 

We go on. It's not perfect; it never was. It just is. It is what we make it, and I have worked hard to make it good. You missed it. I don't know if you would have survived it anyway. I am stronger than you; and, for that, I thank you.

I will always miss you.
I love you.