Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Minutiae and Significance

I have another purge scheduled soon. It was to take place today, but the kids (read, dogs) take precedence. It's been important lately to purge parts of my life. 

Recently I purged my job. It may sound awful but going back to the black pit I endured for years in exchange for a paycheck is worse. My job was great at first. In the last year, it was taking from me. In the last few months, it became unbearable. I kept slipping into the pit I escaped before, and I can't risk slipping again. I had to make a choice and chose me. It was a good step in the right direction. It's terrifying and I've endured some panic and anxiety attacks in the last 5 weeks, but I'm no longer drowning - just treading water.  It was right. 

My closet, bedroom, storage unit, need purging for different reasons. I need to clear out my life. I'm starting again, once more, in a sense and I don't want to be dragged down by the past. I also feel free to let go of the idea that my life will turn around and put me back where I was 10 years ago. It's not just going to happen and I don't need to be prepared for it. 

Today, I had the perfect opportunity to overreact. There's someone special in the wings and he makes me crazy sometimes. I've grown so used to not having to deal with having someone that I rebel against it. Honestly, I've been trying to run from him for over a year. Why haven't I? Because my desire to run is directly proportional to my desire to stay. It's called fear. I tried to purge him from my life too, once. I don't think it'd take; it didn't before. 

Today, I saw something that goes against what we have. I don't have nor want to label it. We are a mess, and what we have doesn't need to fit some mold. I could have lost it, and I did for a bit as I held back the tears and furiously typed into my phone while pretending I was invisible at Starbucks. Then, I stopped. 

I've learned a lot about myself because he exists in my life. I've also remembered a lot. I remembered who we are and who I am and who I know him to be. I thought about all the possible reasons for what I'd seen. Then I remembered something else. Most importantly, I remembered that I have chosen to be in this and admittedly so has he. It's not perfect, ideal or conventional; it is what it is. 

Once I regained my peace of mind, which is completely founded on the fact that I know myself and accept all the convoluted, complex and complicated parts of me, I remembered something important. It seems a lot of people, possibly even him, have some idea of what I am supposed to want. Yes, supposed. 

A lot of women my age want what society thinks and tells them they should want: diamonds, weddings, mortgages, babies and minivans. Did I miss a man/partner/lover/spouse/etc. in there? No. I've found most are not focused on that. Anyone they can stand will do, for now. 

That's not what I want. But family and friends keep trying to get it for me, asking why I don't have it. I used to have a mortgage and a beautiful house. Now I know it was a band-aid. I don't need a diamond, but if I did I would buy it. If someone offered me one, I wouldn't take it from just anyone. Never even considered it before. I certainly don't want a wedding, with all the stress and anxiety; that's my idea of a walking nightmare and I've lived in a nightmare before. I don't need to continue. My dreams and desires are not dictated by society's expectations, by my friends and family, by anyone else. 

If I ever felt compelled to accept a ring, I'd have to be a very special man. If I were to say "I do", it'd be because I already have what the contract represents, not the other way around (no circus allowed). And one contract does not need lead to another (read, mortgage) or any kinds of property titles. It also doesn't lead to extra certificates issued by the State. If I were to consider this situation, it would be all about him and me, who we are alone and together. It would not be about settling down but being free with someone else. That's my dream. 

Sunday, January 17, 2016

In follow up to October 10's "The Purge"

"Out with the old, in with the new."

It's a pertinent saying this time of year. The beginning of the year, of the season, when we make plans for changes that for most will never come. It's the end of the cycle, when everything dies, just to be renewed in the spring. There's a lot of old and new this time of year. 

Back in October, I had my weekend of personal purge. I had several new things in my life come in 2015, and a not-insignificant few that had to go. It was indeed the biggest adventure of the last several years. It may not sound like it, but - in my life, getting out of bed in the morning can turn into an adventure. I don't take much for granted. 

The journey that began that October day is far from over. In fact, the purge served an unexpected purpose. 

"Unexpected". It keeps creeping up onto my life often, nowadays. I like it. I used to live in a very controlled environment. I controlled it, until it started controlling me. "Unexpected" is liberating, because I can just be me, not control required. 

I gained a depth of strength I did not know possible just from that one day. I also learned that some things are worth saving. A lot of stuff was thrown out, some was donated and a few found. But most importantly, a lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions were sorted and examined; some were discarded, some were reacquainted and yet others were embraced. 

The best part of my journey is not the journey, or the fact that I get to find exactly who I am without the baggage burdening most. The best part of my journey is the moments when I see myself clearly, the moments when I find the real me out of all the other "me"s that preceded it. 

Losing myself was awful, dark, terrifying and a blessing. I used to think of it as the hardest thing I've survived. I've survived a few, and that may just be the winner. 

But I have a feeling I'm about to go on a journey unlike any before. I'm not unprepared, but you can't prepare for life to happen, either. This might be my toughest sojourn. Not because of what I may face, but because it'll require that I reacquaint myself with parts of me I'm not completely comfortable with, with parts I long-ago hid away. Thankfully I had a little assistance getting some of those back. 

So, make room for new things in your life by getting rid of those that no longer serve you. Let go of the negative thoughts, the grudges, the heartbreak, the old shoes you have not worn in 5 years. Let go of the anchor holding you back, the fear, and embrace the unknown, the unexpected, the unconventional, the possibilities. 

Just let go. Most things are not very important. 

Monday, January 04, 2016


When I write, I just can't stop. There are a million thoughts in my head at any moment. I find myself pondering several points simultaneously. It's not like juggling, more like running apps in the background. 

When I'm passionate about what I'm writing, I can get lost and go on until I feel satisfied every thought, idea, possibility and even feeling has been properly convey - even if no one will ever read it. 

Sometimes I just need to let it out, take it out of myself without putting it out there. It's how I stay calm, how I deal, how I cope. I write. 

Sometimes I need to share it. It's not like shelving because while I'm not "putting it out there" I am giving a piece of myself to the one I've chosen to share with. I give a part of myself because I'm a writer. I write without pretense, without agenda, without fear. 

I wish every time I wrote to a specific person, that I could share it. Unfortunately, I can't. If I did, all my walls would be breached, all my defenses ineffective. Id be exposed and vulnerable. 

I hope one day I'll find someone with whom I can share all those written words. I don't want walls or defenses. I don't want glass cages. I want to give, share, live, love. 

Glass shatters. It doesn't matter if you attack from within or without. Supercooled liquids don't stand a chance when one is determined. I want to be free, free to be, free to share, free to give. It has to come from within. 

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Destination

I don't understand why I keep seeing people talking or writing about it not being about the destination. Of course it's not about the destination, we are all going to the same place. 

Everyone of us is aging, dying, every second. Not to be morbid, but the destination doesn't even have a view, though you can pick the location and the furniture. Definitely not about the destination. 

There seems to be a consensus on it being all about the journey. I don't understand that either. If it's about the journey, what happens when that particular journey ends? I ask because these affirmations seem to all derive from a specific facet of the person's life; for instance, career, fitness, family life, love life, weightloss, personal growth, whatever. 

I have written about this before. I'll say it again. For me, it's also not about the journey. When you make it about the journey, it's like taking a 7-day tour. You know where you'll be everyday, at every hour. Because, if it's about the journey, you're planning and focusing on being on track, on schedule. If you're on a tour, you probably don't get to enjoy much of anything because you have to stay on schedule. 

It's not about the journey. It's about you, living your life instead of waiting for the end. It's about laughing with friends. About getting morning kisses and hugs from your dog, right before she does something that will make you late for work. It's about knowing that your job doesn't define you; it just helps pay the bills and, if you hate it, you should consider a change. It's about thinking about tomorrow while living today. It's about family - the one you were given and the one you've chosen along the way, even when they get on your very last nerve. It's about loving someone because he might not be perfect, but he might just be perfect for you. It's about letting go of the insignificant and fighting for what matters. It's about forgiveness. It's about the moments and people and places, and how they make you into who you are. 

It's about living rather than existing, because we might not have tomorrow.  Even if you do, you don't have to be then who you are now. That's the journey, but it's made up of the important parts in life. Don't forget to stay in the now, because the journey is happening whether you notice it or not.  

So, go live!

Monday, November 30, 2015

Love and Weightloss (sort of)

I have been doing some introspection (nothing new),  and doing some not-so-light reading. I have come to this conclusion: If you do not love yourself despite all your imperfections, setting aside all your accomplishments, then you will never be happy. (Note: No one and nothing can make you happy, if you are not happy with yourself.)

I remember my therapist telling me that I should be happy because of a long list of accomplishments, significant and trivial, alike. I remember telling him they did not matter; it was the past. They were, and they are. I wasn't unhappy with what I have accomplished; I was unhappy with my life, with myself. 

Life doesn't happen on yesterday; it's happening right now. Right then, I was unhappy - even though the world thought I shouldn't be because I have so much. Right then, I was unhappy and depressed and hopeless, because I couldn't get pass what I don't like about myself and my life - and I didn't know how to change any of it.

There are things one can do in life to remove a lot of the things and people that bring us down. The people who see our imperfections as something to be remedied, they have to go. The things that make us feel like we are unworthy, they must go too. No one is unworthy. Certainly, no one is unworthy of loving themselves. Isn't that really all we need?

I am happy now. I have my accomplishments and my flaws, and everything else, that makes me, me. I am happy because I love who I am despite all the things I know others see as less than optimal, faults/flaws/imperfections. Those things are what make me who I am, in spite of every triumph and failure. Those things are the ones that push me to be more, do better, reach farther, go longer, and not give up. Those "flaws" are kind-of super powers. Awesome!

Unfortunately, not everyone has lived through what I have; not everyone has been given this great opportunity to start practically from scratch; not everyone has decided to look "in" instead of "out" for the answers to those questions no one else can answer for you. That's good in a way, because I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, especially someone who wouldn't be able to never quit. It is not an easy undertaking, self-awareness. If it were, it would probably not be worth the effort, time, pain and suffering. It is hard to look at yourself, at your past, at your deepest, darkest moments and feelings. It is worth it, though, if you gain just one moment of light to push you forward unto a better path, a better you.

So, here is to the moments in the journey, because - in the end - the journey and the destination are not that important. I hope that you love yourself at every moment, even when you don't like your thighs, ate crap for lunch, haven't lost a pound in 3 months, thought you would be at a different place in life by now, or simply feel like this path, whatever it may be, is not worth it. 

It is worth it, because you are. I hope you find enough love for yourself that you realize that as the truth.

Good luck!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Remember, then Move On

I post here occasionally. Sometimes, my posts are long and sometimes they are not. What you do not know is that this is the least of my writing.

I routinely write to myself. Yes, to myself. The last decade has seen me through huge life changes. I understood early on that I needed to remind myself of a lot of things, especially those I had just remembered after years of forgetting. So, I write to myself. It's a great opportunity for me to clear the cobwebs and record a moment in time. It is also a great advantage when I need to find my center again. It's very easy for me to lose track because I no longer have the same constraints as most adults. In many ways, I am free like a child. Except, I am not because I wasn't always like this, and I have accumulated responsibilities.

I also routinely write to my therapist. I am not good at sharing my feelings or anything that might make me emotional, so I write. I write everything I want to share with him, everything I think he should know, and everything that's bothering me in any way. Most of the time, they are just rants, I'm sure. 

Recently, I have been writing to a man who has come to mean something to me. Yesterday, I sent him 4 words. They might be the last I ever send. They are certainly not the last I have ever written him. I don't send him everything I write for him, and I will probably not send what I wrote since. I have written him more pages than my bachelor's thesis. That's a lot. Ironically, he is only privy to a quarter of it, maybe. Like I said, "I am not good at sharing my feelings or anything that might make me emotional." (Note: I have indeed sent him more words after this was published, and I plan to continue doing so indefinitely.)

Regardless, the point is, when you write you can go back and remember easily. I did that yesterday. I went back and read a book I wrote a year ago. I laughed, cried, remembered. I remembered every reference that was only alluded to, and remembered every moment, good and bad. I remembered how I feel about some things, and I reminded myself of who I am intrinsically in many ways. I also reminded myself of my deepest values, the ones fear has been pushing aside. 

I am not that girl. I am not a give-in or give-up kind of girl. I was never the girl fear kept on the sidelines. I certainly have been crushed more than once because of my unwillingness and inability to quit. So, I will not quit. I will not back down. I will not give in or give up. I will persevere and perseverate. 

Why perseverate? Because sometimes one is prompted into action only to desist when motivation wanes. We have all lived through it. I have lived past it. There have often been times when there was no wind and no chance of a second wind, and yet I sailed on. Why? Because it matters. Because failure is not an option; it's a requirement, and victory belongs only to those who are willing to fight against unattainable odds. It has been mine in the past and it will be mine again.

I hope you persevere, and perseverate. Tell anyone who will nay-say you to go mind their own business (edited) because this is your life and you are the only who has to live it. 

Good luck!

Saturday, October 31, 2015


I'm not sure which road I'm taking, or where it leads. I just know that I'm standing at a crossroads and anything is possible. 

So much has changed in such a short time. It's amazing and unsettling to realize that I keep veering off track. The reason is I have no track now. It's both worrisome and liberating. 

I made plans this year based on a person I haven't been for almost 10 years. I remembered what I wanted then and decided to seek it. That is not what I want now. If I had not sought it, I wouldn't have remembered that other fact. 

Interestingly, a lot of what I want today is not what I used to want, or anything I've ever wanted before. It's an adventure. 

I'm giving myself some personal time to figure some things out for myself. I've learned a lot about myself in the last several years. It's not something you can be taught or learn from a book; it requires a lot of awareness, meditation and introspection. As usual, there is always more to learn. Right now, I need to learn where I want to go. 

There are facets of my life that are not so easily deciphered, parts that involve other people. I'm just focusing on the parts that are completely within my control, the parts I can make decisions on without weighing in the wants and needs of anyone else, just mine. 

Sometimes we forget that if we are not happy in our life, we can't be happy with others and we can make others unhappy as well. I'm happy and I want to stay that way; that requires that I take care of myself and my happiness. Then, I can share my happiness with those who matter most.