Recently I purged my job. It may sound awful but going back to the black pit I endured for years in exchange for a paycheck is worse. My job was great at first. In the last year, it was taking from me. In the last few months, it became unbearable. I kept slipping into the pit I escaped before, and I can't risk slipping again. I had to make a choice and chose me. It was a good step in the right direction. It's terrifying and I've endured some panic and anxiety attacks in the last 5 weeks, but I'm no longer drowning - just treading water. It was right.
My closet, bedroom, storage unit, need purging for different reasons. I need to clear out my life. I'm starting again, once more, in a sense and I don't want to be dragged down by the past. I also feel free to let go of the idea that my life will turn around and put me back where I was 10 years ago. It's not just going to happen and I don't need to be prepared for it.
Today, I had the perfect opportunity to overreact. There's someone special in the wings and he makes me crazy sometimes. I've grown so used to not having to deal with having someone that I rebel against it. Honestly, I've been trying to run from him for over a year. Why haven't I? Because my desire to run is directly proportional to my desire to stay. It's called fear. I tried to purge him from my life too, once. I don't think it'd take; it didn't before.
Today, I saw something that goes against what we have. I don't have nor want to label it. We are a mess, and what we have doesn't need to fit some mold. I could have lost it, and I did for a bit as I held back the tears and furiously typed into my phone while pretending I was invisible at Starbucks. Then, I stopped.
I've learned a lot about myself because he exists in my life. I've also remembered a lot. I remembered who we are and who I am and who I know him to be. I thought about all the possible reasons for what I'd seen. Then I remembered something else. Most importantly, I remembered that I have chosen to be in this and admittedly so has he. It's not perfect, ideal or conventional; it is what it is.
Once I regained my peace of mind, which is completely founded on the fact that I know myself and accept all the convoluted, complex and complicated parts of me, I remembered something important. It seems a lot of people, possibly even him, have some idea of what I am supposed to want. Yes, supposed.
A lot of women my age want what society thinks and tells them they should want: diamonds, weddings, mortgages, babies and minivans. Did I miss a man/partner/lover/spouse/etc. in there? No. I've found most are not focused on that. Anyone they can stand will do, for now.
That's not what I want. But family and friends keep trying to get it for me, asking why I don't have it. I used to have a mortgage and a beautiful house. Now I know it was a band-aid. I don't need a diamond, but if I did I would buy it. If someone offered me one, I wouldn't take it from just anyone. Never even considered it before. I certainly don't want a wedding, with all the stress and anxiety; that's my idea of a walking nightmare and I've lived in a nightmare before. I don't need to continue. My dreams and desires are not dictated by society's expectations, by my friends and family, by anyone else.
If I ever felt compelled to accept a ring, I'd have to be a very special man. If I were to say "I do", it'd be because I already have what the contract represents, not the other way around (no circus allowed). And one contract does not need lead to another (read, mortgage) or any kinds of property titles. It also doesn't lead to extra certificates issued by the State. If I were to consider this situation, it would be all about him and me, who we are alone and together. It would not be about settling down but being free with someone else. That's my dream.