Letters that I'll Never Send: To the Man at the Flagpole

Dearest,

The day we met, I had this feeling my life had just changed. And when I saw you all I could think was "please don't let it be him." But it was you. And I am glad I met you.

For a while I had a "crush" on you, for lack of a better word. It was more. It may even still be more. I am not sure anymore.

I should thank you nevertheless. You have given me a different perspective on life. And I appreciate when you have taken the time to help me sort through my own thoughts. I thank you for everything you have ever done for me.

I wish you the greatest happiness and success possible, no matter what the future may have in store. And I hope we will always be friends.

Lovingly,
ME

Why?

I rarely say what I mean. I don't even know why I do it, but I do. When I do say something I mean, and I am misunderstood or ignored or otherwise annoyed by the response, I tend to withdraw. I guess it's just easier. That's probably why I write. I write between the lines for the most part, but I mostly say what I mean. Somehow.

Lost - Letters that I'll Never Send

Wrote a very nice letter to my 16-year-old self, but lost the connection when I clicked to publish. So now it's lost forever. Maybe I'll write another one later.

Letters that I'll Never Send: To my 16-year-old self

Dear younger self,

You are probably wondering why I didn't right earlier. Well, earlier what I know now wouldn't have helped you any.

So, here's what I have to say. Live a little. Take a chance once in a while. Don't be afraid, to live or love. Don't give too much, and don't take too much either. Value your friends, the longer the better. Get rid of those who bring negative things or energy into your life.

Please, listen to your inner self. Don't walk away from someone you love, especially if you are not sure if it's truly love. Don't live life trying to have no regrets, but rather try not to regret not living your life. Let go of that first "love" once you get to college, and hang on to that friend who always had your back.

Don't forget that you are who really matters. And study more than you play. Meet more people, but cherish your old friends.

Take care of yourself,
See you later.

I don't know why

I have been writing to you for almost a year now, but only once or twice have you received my words. I don't know what happened exactly back then, but I have missed you. Knowing me, you, like I, can't understand why I don't have the guts to just tell you. I wish I could muster them somehow, and that you'd feel the same way.

Sent from my iPhone

Letters that I'll Never Send: To my father

Dad,

This letter is not easy to write, as I know you will never read it. But the opportunity is not unwelcome. There is so much I would like to say that I don't know where to start.

How about the beginning? I am really angry with you. You should know that; and I shouldn't have to explain myself, so I won't.

You have missed so much in the past 20 years. You have missed the good and the bad, the nice and the ugly. But you have missed it all. You have missed my accomplishments and my failures (not that there have been many of those), and you have missed practically all of Alfredo's. I don't even think he remembers you. I can't blame him.

I have done fairly well for myself, no thanks to you. I am fairly content with my life, even though I have been through some really hard times. I have made choices that I regret, and others that have changed my life for the best. I graduated from high school with honors, even though some said I wouldn't even graduate. And I went to a top 10 university, not to be confused with the Big 10. And even though it was hard to do so, I graduated with a degree in Political Science. Whatever anyone says, I love UChicago, and don't for a second regret my decision to go there. At some point, I hope to finish my MBA. In the meantime, I wish to teach. I have been wanting to teach for a long time. My goal is to teach law, but it's slow in coming; I'll get there.

I don't know where life is taking me, but you are missing it. And as far as I am concerned you are the only one to blame. I wish this letter could be nicer, but I don't really have anything nice to say to you. I very much doubt Alfredo does either. I have learned one thing in the past 20 years that I could possibly credit you with: never quit.

Until the next time I am berating your name,
Christina

Blackberry v. iPhone

I liked the Blackberry Bold 9000 I got for my birthday. But I LOVE the iPhone for which my brother convinced me to exchange it.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday Fill-Ins: #176

Friday Fill-Ins: #176

1. I just had an eggroll.
2. Space is.
3. The third sentence on the 7th page of the book I'm reading: "The maid looked about as old and bad-tempered as the countess, which was understandable if she'd had to ride all the way from Biarritz perched on top of the luggage."
4. A chocolate chip cookie tickles my fancy.
5. I was walking on a treadmill.
6. People makes me laugh!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, tomorrow my plans include a job fair and Sunday, I want to read all day!

I wrote this a long time ago.

I wasn't looking for anything,
and thus I didn't see.
But while I wasn't looking,
I found him.
And when I knew him,
I was gone.

Letters that I'll Never Send: To the Man of my Life

To the man of my life,

I know you don't know this is you, and I wish not only that you knew but also that you were the man in my life. I didn't even know this is who you were until several days ago. It was a sad and uplifting realization.

Mind you, you are not the man of my dreams; dreams are fleeting. I once met him, the man in my dreams, and he was not all that. And you, I have met you, gotten to know you, valued and appreciated you; but never told you enough.

The truth is that I walked away because I loved you so. The truth is that I didn't want to love you, because I didn't want to love anyone. The truth is that the moment I realized how much you meant to me, I jetted. I love you. I have for a long time.

I wish I could say that I feel pain knowing that my love is unknown to you. But I don't. I feel peace and a bit of sadness at the thought that I do love you. I am at peace with my feelings for you, and they could only be made better if you too knew.

But I don't know how to tell you that it's taken me years to realize what was once in front of me. I don't know how to tell you how I feel, or why I acted the way I did, or anything else for that matter. We are now strangers. I am not even sure the man I love is still there.

Man of my life, I love you. And no matter what, I wish you the greatest happiness and success in the future.

Love you,
Christina

My Baby After Her Haircut

Sent from my iPhone

"I Want..." to Say what I didn't know I meant

Once I said goodbye, but that's not what I meant.

You see, what I should have said was "I love you, but now is not the right time for us." It sounds like a cheesy breakup line, but in fact I mean it in the completely opposite manner. It was not the right time. I was not the right person. I didn't want the right things.

But now, I could just kick myself. Because I didn't say I need time to grow as a person, and maybe so do you. I just quit, just like I always have. But now I know that was not the right thing to do. That's right: I was wrong.

Suddenly, I can see everything clearly. I can see what I want, and what I don't. And I can see what I used to have, and what I gave up. And, more importantly, I can clearly understand what I have felt all along. I am now ripe, ready to pick, ready to live my life. And I can see you clearly now, and value you like I don't think I did before. That is not to say that I didn't value you then, but I didn't know how much you really meant to me until now.

I would hope that you may feel the same way, and give me a chance.

Conflicted

sometimes an old decision put into new perspective does not seem as sound. Guess, hindsight is 20/20 regardless of the circumstances.

Lost Posts

Someone told me I might be able to find some of my posts online, and today I finally did. I am still missing some very good ones, in my humble opinion. But it's good to have recovered what I have. They are tagged as "Recovered."

Christina’s 101 in 1001

Definitely missed the deadline.

Deadline: Saturday, December 26, 2009 at 11:59:59

"Unconscious Mutterings" Meme

1. Hell ::  Yeah!


2. Scott :: Milo


3. Dominion ::  Rome


4. Stunt ::  Car


5. Cougar ::  Green


6. Columbia ::  NY


7. Gasp ::  o_0


8. Cancerous ::  Mole


9. Bitty :: Itty


10. Quit ::  Job!