I, on the other hand, chose said title because it is exactly what I was doing today, and will continue doing tomorrow. It's time to purge everything useless, everything take up space, everything I didn't remember I owned, everything that's in the past and hindering the future.
So, of course, I did not cut my hair or get a makeover. I did not go get a mani/pedi. I did not go for a run; I'm done running (metaphorically). I turned my living space inside out and upside down. Yes! Of course that's what I would do. It's not the first time.
I emptied my closet and tried on everything I had not worn in a while or recently bought. Everything that I didn't like, didn't fit, or didn't look nice enough had to go. I tried on all my shoes; and if they didn't fit or I'd only worn them one, they went in the to-go pile. Everything must go! I only have space in my life for things that serve a purpose.
Of course, I was upset when I started and that helped drive the momentum; but, then, I was further upset and the wind went out of my sails. I had to stop and think about several things.
One: Purging is good. Getting rid of all the useless stuff, all the clutter (any type) is important. Last week I cried for just over 14 hours, even while I slept. I have no real idea why I was crying, but I could not stop. I cried through my regular 5k run at the gym. I was upset that I was crying and I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop. I was still crying the next morning and I felt like crap. Then, it stopped; and I felt like crap. Later, I put myself back together and life was looking pretty good again. I am not certain why I started crying, or why I couldn't stop. I certainly needed it. I hate crying; I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I don't know how to handle even my own tears, but I needed it.
Two: I have learned a lot about myself in the last few years. Few people get a practically blank canvas. I didn't forget my life; I just forgot myself. At one point, I even forgot my name. It was a dark and dangerous place to be. I thought I'd never get out. But I did. I did just like I have done many other things that I, or others, thought I couldn't do. I got out and began the process of getting to know this awesome person (no humility necessary) who no one will ever know as well as me. The best part, she can be whoever I wish her to be. I am never going back to that place, because this is my life and only I can determine its worth.
Three: I have learned a lot about life, living and other aspects of being human in a human world the in the last several years. You probably think: "well, we all do." True. However, because of the above stated, I haven't been hampered by preconceptions of myself. Actually, at times, I have - like everyone else. I would remember who I thought I should be and would become frustrated; frustrated is good. I learned that fear leads nowhere, except maybe back into that dark and dangerous place. I learned that pride is only useful when you take pride in your work, when you give something your everything because you are proud to put your name to it. Otherwise, pride and fear only bring ruin. I have learned to take chances, be brave. I had forgotten how to be brave, and then I was reminded of every time before when bravery was all I had and it made me succeed.
I took the biggest chance of my life recently. I am not sure if chance is the right word, because I felt compelled to jump in. Honestly, I am not sure I ever had a choice. But, I chose to embrace it. Then fear stepped in and wrecked havoc. I don't know what will happen. It has not been easy. It's been crazy. I am still not sure what drives me care at all. I have been upset with myself over it, but I am just accepting that there are things that just are and I don't need to understand.
Back to the purge. Paragraph above at point, the purge started because I needed to take control of my life. So, all aspects not being equally and I being myself, living space was at risk. I have determined what will change and will work to make it happen.
The purge is a symptom. Yes, a symptom. Some people thought that some things recently changing in my life were having certain results. Meet someone = be happy. Ridiculous. I was happy, thus I met someone and was happier. Unhappy me doesn't want people around her. Too happy = losing her mind. Seriously? I'd lose my mind if I were unhappy to the point I could not cope. Sad = depressed. Again? Not happening. People seem to jump to extremes in my life. I might just me the most laid back when it comes to viewing my life, and I am certainly my harshest critic.
The purge is a symptom of change. Things have changed, are changing, will change. It's life; it must happen, or you die. The purge, whatever it may be, is renewal. Think of it as pruning your life so your garden may bloom.
I wish you a pleasant purge!