Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Remember, then Move On

I post here occasionally. Sometimes, my posts are long and sometimes they are not. What you do not know is that this is the least of my writing.

I routinely write to myself. Yes, to myself. The last decade has seen me through huge life changes. I understood early on that I needed to remind myself of a lot of things, especially does that I had just remembered after years of forgetting. So, I write to myself. It's a great opportunity for me to clear the cobwebs and record a moment in time. It is also a great advantage when I need to find my center again. It's very easy for me to lose track because I no longer have the same constraints as most adults. In many ways, I am free like a child. Except, I am not because I wasn't always like this, and I have accumulated responsibilities.

I also routinely write to my therapist. I am not good at sharing my feelings or anything that might make me emotional, so I write. I write everything I want to share with him, everything I think he should know, and everything that's bothering me in any way. Most of the time, they are just rants, I'm sure. 

Recently, I have been writing to a man who has come to mean something to me. Yesterday, I sent him 4 words. They might be the last I ever send. They are certainly not the last I have ever written him. I don't send him everything I write for him, and I will probably not send what I wrote since. I have written him more pages than my bachelor's thesis. That's a lot. Ironically, he is only privy to a quarter of it, maybe. Like I said, "I am not good at sharing my feelings or anything that might make me emotional."

Regardless, the point is, when you write you can go back and remember easily. I did that yesterday. I went back a read a book I wrote a year ago. I laughed, cried, remembered. I remembered every reference that was only alluded to, and remembered every moment, good and bad. I remembered how I feel about some times, and I reminded myself of who I intrinsically am in many ways. I also reminded myself of my deepest values, then ones that fear has been pushing aside. 

I am not that girl. I am not a give-in or give-up kind of girl. I was never the girl that fear kept on the sidelines. I certainly have been crushed more than once because of my unwillingness and inability to quit. So, I will not quit. I will not back down. I will not give in or give up. I will persevere and perseverate. 

Why perseverate? Because sometimes one is prompted into action only to desist when motivation wanes. We have all lived through it. I have lived past it. There have often been times when there was no wind and no chance of a second wind, and yet I sailed on. Why? Because it matters. Because failure is not an option; it's a requirement, and victory belongs only to those who are willing to fight against unattainable odds. It has been mine in the past and it will be mine again.

I hope you perseverate, and persevere. And tell everyone who will nay-say you to go screw themselves because this is your life and you are the only that has to live it. 

Good luck!

Saturday, October 31, 2015


I'm not sure which road I'm taking, or where it leads. I just know that I'm standing at a crossroads and anything is possible. 

So much has changed in such a short time. It's amazing and unsettling to realize that I keep veering off track. The reason is I have no track now. It's both worrisome and liberating. 

I made plans this year based on a person I haven't been for almost 10 years. I remembered what I wanted then and decided to seek it. That is not what I want now. If I had not sought it, I wouldn't have remembered that other fact. 

Interestingly, a lot of what I want today is not what I used to want, or anything I've ever wanted before. It's an adventure. 

I'm giving myself some personal time to figure some things out for myself. I've learned a lot about myself in the last several years. It's not something you can be taught or learn from a book; it requires a lot of awareness, meditation and introspection. As usual, there is always more to learn. Right now, I need to learn where I want to go. 

There are facets of my life that are not so easily deciphered, parts that involve other people. I'm just focusing on the parts that are completely within my control, the parts I can make decisions on without weighing in the wants and needs of anyone else, just mine. 

Sometimes we forget that if we are not happy in our life, we can't be happy with others and we can make others unhappy as well. I'm happy and I want to stay that way; that requires that I take care of myself and my happiness. Then, I can share my happiness with those who matter most. 

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

A Seed...

If you have never experienced this, you have missed a grueling, dark and dangerous experience that is worth more than anything else you may achieve in life.

If you have, you know that whatever you may have achieved before pales in comparison to what you will achieve if you survive.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Purge

I am certain every person reading the title of this post had a different image pop up for them. Some thought of the movie by the same name (not that I have watched it), and other might have thought of someone vomiting. The possibilities are endless.

I, on the other hand, chose said title because it is exactly what I was doing today, and will continue doing tomorrow. It's time to purge everything useless, everything taking up space, everything I didn't remember I owned, everything that's in the past and hindering the future.

So, of course, I did not cut my hair or get a makeover. I did not go get a mani/pedi. I did not go for a run; I'm done running (metaphorically). I turned my living space inside out and upside down. Yes! Of course that's what I would do. It's not the first time. 

I emptied my closet and tried on everything I had not worn in a while or recently bought. Everything that I didn't like, didn't fit, or didn't look nice enough had to go. I tried on all my shoes; and if they didn't fit or I'd only worn them one, they went in the to-go pile. Everything must go! I only have space in my life for things that serve a purpose.

Of course, I was upset when I started and that helped drive the momentum; but, then, I was further upset and the wind went out of my sails. I had to stop and think about several things. 

One: Purging is good. Getting rid of all the useless stuff, all the clutter (any type) is important. Last week I cried for just over 14 hours, even while I slept. I have no real idea why I was crying, but I could not stop. I cried through my regular 5k run at the gym. I was upset that I was crying and I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop. I was still crying the next morning and I felt like crap. Then, it stopped; and I felt like crap. Later, I put myself back together and life was looking pretty good again. I am not certain why I started crying, or why I couldn't stop. I certainly needed it. I hate crying; I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I don't know how to handle even my own tears, but I needed it.

Two: I have learned a lot about myself in the last few years. Few people get a practically blank canvas. I didn't forget my life; I just forgot myself. At one point, I even forgot my name. It was a dark and dangerous place to be. I thought I'd never get out. But I did. I did just like I have done many other things that I, or others, thought I couldn't do. I got out and began the process of getting to know this awesome person (no humility necessary) who no one will ever know as well as me. The best part, she can be whoever I wish her to be. I am never going back to that place, because this is my life and only I can determine its worth.

Three: I have learned a lot about life, living and other aspects of being human in a human world, in the last several years. You probably think: "well, we all do." True. However, because of the above stated, I haven't been hampered by preconceptions of myself. Actually, at times, I have - like everyone else. I would remember who I thought I should be and would become frustrated; frustrated is good. I learned that fear leads nowhere, except maybe back into that dark and dangerous place. I learned that pride is only useful when you take pride in your work, when you give something your everything because you are proud to put your name to it. Otherwise, pride and fear only bring ruin. I have learned to take chances, be brave. I had forgotten how to be brave, and then I was reminded of every time before when bravery was all I had and it made me succeed. 

I took the biggest chance of my life recently. I am not sure if chance is the right word, because I felt compelled to jump in. Honestly, I am not sure I ever had a choice. But, I chose to embrace it. Then fear stepped in and wrecked havoc. I don't know what will happen. It has not been easy. It's been crazy. I am still not sure what drives me to care at all. I have been upset with myself over it, but I am just accepting that there are things that just are and I don't need to understand. 

Back to the purge. Paragraph above at point, the purge started because I needed to take control of my life. So, all aspects not being equal and I being myself, living space was at risk. I have determined what will change and will work to make it happen. 

The purge is a symptom. Yes, a symptom. Some people thought that some things recently changing in my life were having certain results. Meet someone = be happy. Ridiculous. I was happy, thus I met someone and was happier. Unhappy me doesn't want people around her. Too happy = losing her mind. Seriously? I'd lose my mind if I were unhappy to the point I could not cope. Sad = depressed. Again? Not happening. People seem to jump to extremes in my life. I might just be the most laid back when it comes to viewing my life, and I am certainly my harshest critic. 

The purge is a symptom of change. Things have changed, are changing, will change. It's life; it must happen, or you die. The purge, whatever it may be, is renewal. Think of it as pruning your life so your garden may bloom. 

I wish you a pleasant purge!

Saturday, September 19, 2015

To the Man who touched me with his Words

Thank you for breaking my heart. It's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. 

I won't soon forget you. Be happy. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2015


The unexpected is everywhere. It may be good, or bad, or neither. It may change your life or choices, or both. You might not even notice it when it arrives.

Sometimes it's a thing or event or person. Sometimes you think the unexpected was exactly what you awaited. Sometimes, it is beyond reason.

It may fulfill your every dream, bring new ones into play, or leave you completely dissatisfied. The unexpected brings with it more unexpected.

The unexpected may show you things about yourself that you did not know or had forgotten. It may turn your world upside down, and leave as much destruction in as little time as a tornado.

The unexpected can change everything.

Be thankful for the unexpected. It is never good nor bad. It is simply life, full of surprises. The unexpected may be just what you needed, even though you didn't know it or want it.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Closing doors is harder than hitting the OFF switch

I think everyone remembers being told to turn the lights off when leaving a room. No one truly wants to do it. It feels very final to turn off the lights as you walk away. So, we don't. We find any excuse to leave it on just a little bit longer. 

There are other aspects of life where we feel and/or act in the same manner. We don't want to face the finality of it, so we leave the lights on. The problem with that is, at some point, you have to pay the bill. It doesn't matter whether it is the lights on, or staying at a job you hate, or a bad relationship, at some point you must pay the price of your choices. 

Some of us can't flip that switch, so we walk away and never look back. We do it knowing we won't return and leave it for someone else to carry the burden. 

Some of us walk back and forth tirelessly trying to muster the guts to do it. Flipping the switch can be one of those defining moments when you find yourself at a crossroads you know will change your life forever. You have to be brave to take it on, to decide whether you flip it down bravely, or walk away cowardly. 

But it doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter which you end up choosing, because in the end the only thing that matters is whether you closed the door behind you. That is the hardest part of it all.